[smart2]

-On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

-In a cementery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

-Dry cleaner's Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULT.

-Hotel elevator, Paris:
PLEASE LEAVE YOUR VALUES AT THE FRONT DESK.

-A laundry room in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Some more:

-Airline office:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS

-An advertisement by a Hong kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS

-hotel in Japan:
COOLS AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

-On an Athi River Highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

From the " Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCUPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS.

-Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.

-A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

-Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

-A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.

-Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.

-Hotel Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMERMAID.

-On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

-Hotel Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hope you enjoy them.

[Nurochka]

If someone here studies Enlish using Headway (i believe pre-intermideate course)

"Сегодня англичанка попросила перевести фразу
Mother her - she is ill!!!
Ну откуда ж я знал, что она переводится ОКРУЖИ ЕЕ ЗАБОТОЙ - ОНА БОЛЕЕТ, а не МАТЬ ЕЕ - ОНА БОЛЬНАЯ!!!((((((("

[Kurtevich]

Mother her - she is ill!!!
Ну откуда ж я знал, что она переводится ОКРУЖИ ЕЕ ЗАБОТОЙ - ОНА БОЛЕЕТ, а не МАТЬ ЕЕ - ОНА БОЛЬНАЯ!!!((((((("
:D cool

[.ya]

If someone here studies Enlish using Headway (i believe pre-intermideate course)

"Сегодня англичанка попросила перевести фразу
Mother her - she is ill!!!
Ну откуда ж я знал, что она переводится ОКРУЖИ ЕЕ ЗАБОТОЙ - ОНА БОЛЕЕТ, а не МАТЬ ЕЕ - ОНА БОЛЬНАЯ!!!((((((("

wow
How about this?
Love your Motherland - mother yours!

[Kurtevich]

wow
How about this?
Love your Motherland - mother yours!
Ершы шы цкщтп
This is wrong. Either say "mother of yours", "your mother" or "mother her". Depending on what you mean.

[Kpoxa]

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE!

[balik]

If someone here studies Enlish using Headway (i believe pre-intermideate course)

"Сегодня англичанка попросила перевести фразу
Mother her - she is ill!!!
Ну откуда ж я знал, что она переводится ОКРУЖИ ЕЕ ЗАБОТОЙ - ОНА БОЛЕЕТ, а не МАТЬ ЕЕ - ОНА БОЛЬНАЯ!!!((((((("
Had never heard this form- 'mother someone'. :) Interesting :)

[balik]

Robin Hood: Men in Tights

[preparing to ravish Maid Marian]
Sheriff of Rottingham: A chastity belt! That's going to chafe my willy!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahchoo: Hey, Blinkin!
Blinkin: Did you say "Abe Lincoln"?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Blinkin, the blind man, is up in a perch looking out for strangers]
Robin Hood: Blinkin! What are you doing?
Blinkin: Guessing. I guess no one's coming.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little John: Let me introduce you to my best friend: Will Scarlet.
Scarlet: Scarlet's my middle name. My full name is Will Scarlet O'Hara.
[pause]
Scarlet: We're from Georgia.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Blinkin: Oh Master Robin!
[hugging a replica statue of the Venus de Milo]
Blinkin: You lost your arms in battle! But you grew some nice boobs.
Robin Hood: Blinkin, I'm over here.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: Prepare for the fight scene!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prince John: Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
Latrine: We changed it in the 9th century.
Prince John: You mean you changed it TO "Latrine"?
Latrine: Yeah. Used to be "Shithouse."
Prince John: It's a good change. That's a good change!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man in church: Hey Abbot!
Abbot: I hate that guy!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prince John: And why should the people listen to you?
Robin Hood: Because, unlike some other Robin Hoods, I can speak with an English accent.
[referring to the then recent blockbuster Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves, in which Kevin Costner played the role with an American accent]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: Blinkin, listen to me. They've taken the castle!
Blinkin: I thought it felt a bit drafty. Cor, this never would have happened if your father was alive.
Robin Hood: He's dead?
Blinkin: Yes.
Robin Hood: And my mother?
Blinkin: She died of pneumonia while... oh, you were away...
Robin Hood: My brothers?
Blinkin: There were all killed by the plague.
Robin Hood: My dog, Pogo?
Blinkin: Run over by a carriage.
Robin Hood: My goldfish, Goldie?
Blinkin: Eaten by the cat.
Robin Hood: [on the verge of tears] My cat?
Blinkin: Choked on the goldfish.
[pause]
Blinkin: Oh, it's good to be home, ain't it, Master Robin?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prince John: Tell everyone that when the day is out we shall have a wedding. Or a hanging. Either way, we're gonna have a lot of fun, huh?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: And who might you be?
Little John: Oh, they call me Little John. But don't let my name fool you. In real life, I'm very big.
Robin Hood: I'll take your word for it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: Kindly let me pass.
Little John: Uh, no. Sorry, but a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll, and if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls.
[Proudly]
Little John: I made that up.
Robin Hood: It's very fascinating. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to hurt you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little John: A toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll. And if we don't get no tolls, then we don't eat no rolls. I made that up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheriff of Rottingham: You know, this wasn't a very smart thing to do, Locksley. I'll pay for this!
[pause]
Sheriff of Rottingham: YOU'LL pay for this!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheriff of Rottingham: King illegal forest to pig wild kill in it a is!
Robin Hood, Maid Marian: What?
Sheriff of Rottingham: I mean, don't you know it's illegal to kill a wild pig in the king's forest?
Robin Hood: Is it not also illegal to sit on the king's throne and usurp his power in his absence?
[crowd gasps]
Prince John: Careful Robin, you go too far.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: Rabbi, you seem to be on the side of good. Will you come and share with us some of your wisdom, some of your council, and perhaps... some of your wine?
[Merry Men snicker]
Rabbi Tuckman: Wisdom and council, that's easy. But this is sacrimental wine! It's only used to bless things.
Merry Men: Awwwww...
Rabbi Tuckman: [pauses] Wait a minute! There's things here! There's rocks, there's trees, there's birds, there's squirrels. Come on, we'll bless them all until we get vashnigyered
[drunk]
Rabbi Tuckman: Join me!
Robin Hood: Let's hear it for the Rabbi!
Merry Men: [Cheer]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prince John: Save me, save me! Hurt them, hurt them!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Right! Save them, save them, hurt you, hurt you! I've got it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheriff of Rottingham: Over that boy hand!
[pauses, looking confused]
Sheriff of Rottingham: Hand over that boy!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahchoo: Let's get out of this ladies clothing and get into our tights!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: [carrying Marian to the bed] Oh my darling, at last.
Maid Marian: [sliding his hand to the key to unlock her chastity belt] Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Broomhilde: [rushes into the room] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Robin Hood: [groans]
Broomhilde: You are not married yet! Before you do it, you must go through it! Or else I blew it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maid Marian: I've come to warn you, Prince John and Rottingham have hired men to kill you at the fair tomorrow. You musn't go.
Robin Hood: Well, that's easy. I won't.
Maid Marian: Oh, I'm so happy! They were going to try to lure you there by having an archery contest.
Robin Hood: An archery contest?
Maid Marian: Their archer is unbeatable.
Robin Hood: Really?
Maid Marian: Robin, promise you won't go.
Robin Hood: All right, I promise you won't go.
Maid Marian: Thank you.
[stops for a second, confused]
Ahchoo: But wait a minute, Robin, didn't you just...
Robin Hood: Cool it...
Ahchoo: Chilled.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: I lost. I lost? Wait a second, I'm not supposed to lose. Let me see the script.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: As my first order of business, I would like to appoint a new Sheriff... my friend Ahchoo.
Crowd: A black sheriff?
Blinkin: He's black?
Ahchoo: And why not? It worked in Blazing Saddles.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: Oh, my darling, I'm ready for that kiss now.
Maid Marian: But first, I must warn you. It could only be a kiss. For I am a virgin and could never... go all the way.
Robin Hood: But...
Maid Marian: Unless I were married. Or if a man pledged his endless love to me.
Robin Hood: Yes...
Maid Marian: Or if I knew that he desperately cared for me. Or if he were really cute!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheriff of Rottingham: Don Giovanni, if I may say so, your lizard looks limp.
Don Giovanni: [holding lizard] Yeah, well, when you get to be my age... Oh! My lizard! Oh yeah!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Merry Men: [singing] We're men / We're men in tights / We roam around the forest looking for fights / We're men / We're men in tights / We rob from the rich and give to the poor / That's right! / We may look like sissies / But watch what you say / Or else we'll put out your lights / We're men / We're men in tights / Always on guard / Defending the people's rights / We're men / Manly men! / We're men in tights / Yes! / We roam around the forest looking for fights / We're men / We're men in tights / We rob from the rich and give to the poor / That's right! / We may look like pansies / But don't get us wrong / Or else we'll put out your lights / We're men / We're men in tights / *Tight tights* / Always on guard / Defending the people's rights / When you're in a fix / Just call for the men in tights / We're butch!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maid Marian: Wait!
Sheriff of Rottingham: What for?
Maid Marian: If you promise not to kill Robin, I shall do the most disgusting thing that I can think of.
Prince John: Oooohhh.
Sheriff of Rottingham: Oh? And what's that?
Maid Marian: I shall marry you.
Sheriff of Rottingham: What? You'll be mine? You'll give yourself to me every night? And sometimes, right after lunch?
Maid Marian: Yes, but only my body. You can never have my heart, my mind, or my soul!
Sheriff of Rottingham: Oh, oh yes! I respect that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little John: Let's face it. You've gotta be a man to wear tights!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: Are you with me? Yea or Nay?
Villager: Well which one means yes?
Robin Hood: Yea.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: By the by, do you know praying mantis?
Ahchoo: You're looking at him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahchoo: What part of Georgia you from? South Central?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angry Villagers: LEAVE US ALONE, MEL BROOKS!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Robin tries to jump on his horse and falls]
Ahchoo: Man, white men can't jump.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Robin and Ahchoo are fighting royal soldiers]
Ahchoo: Time out! Sorry bad guys, but I am running out of air. Gotta get pumped.
[Ahchoo pumps his sneakers]
Ahchoo: OK honkies. Time in!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahchoo: e didn't land on Sherwood Forest! Sherwood Forest landed on us!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: This is Ahchoo.
Little John: Bless you!
Ahchoo: [laughs] No, that's my name, man. Ahchoo.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: Blinkin, I'd like you to meet Ahchoo.
Blinkin: A Jew? Here?
Robin Hood: No no, not a Jew. Ahchoo.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Broomhilde prepares to jump on horse from the balcony]
Horse: [makes loud noise and shakes head]
subtitle: She's got to be kidding!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[after falling from a tree]
Blinkin: I can see!
[runs right into another tree]
Blinkin: Nope, I was wrong.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheriff of Rottingham: This is a stealth catapult, we've been working on it secretly for months. It can hurl one of these heavy boulders undetected, over a hundred yards, completely destroying anything in its path.
Prince John: Wow! How's it work?
Sheriff of Rottingham: It's rather simple. You get one of these heavy boulders, put it here where I'm sitting, and then pull on that lever.
Prince John: Like this?
[John pulls the lever and flings Mervin into the air]
Sheriff of Rottingham: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!
Latrine: [praying by her bed in her boudoir] Oh dear Lord, if you see fit to send me my one true love...
[the Sheriff crashes through the roof and lands on the bed]
Latrine: [looks up and grins] Thank you!
[starts to climb on top of the Sheriff]
Latrine: Oh my god! Oh my god!
Sheriff of Rottingham: [struggles] No! No! I have a headache!
[runs away]
Latrine: OH BUGGER!
[breaks the fourth wall]
Latrine: I was *that* close! I touched it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Villagers begin throwing food at the archery contest]
Blinkin: Oh good, they've opened the salad bar.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Ahchoo has released Robin from a noose]
Robin Hood: Nice shooting, Ahchoo.
Ahchoo: To tell you the truth, I was aiming for the Hangman.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: Good people, who have travelled from villages near and far! Lend me your ears!
Robin Hood: [Crowd proceeds to pull off ears and throw them at Robin]
Robin Hood: That's disgusting!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: [trying to unlock the chastity belt] Um, darling?
Maid Marian: [in sultry voice] What?
Robin Hood: You're not going to believe this...
Maid Marian: What?
Robin Hood: It won't open!
Maid Marian: WHAT?
Robin Hood: Wait, I have an idea! Call a locksmith!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guard: Robin of Locksley, where is your king?
Robin Hood: King? King? And which King might that be? King Richard? King Louis? King Kong? Larry King?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scarlet: Blinkin! Fix your boobs; you look like a bleedin' Picasso!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prince John: Send word to one and all, and all and one... that's a little redundant, isn't it?
Herald: WHAT?
Prince John: Shut up!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maid Marian: Oh, darling, don't despair! For it is written on a scroll: "One day, he, who is destined for me, shall be endowed with a magical key, that will bring an end to my... virginity."
Robin Hood: Oh, Marian, if only 'twere me.
Maid Marian: Oh, if 'twere you, 'twould be... twerrific.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Broomhilde: No ding-ding vithout a vedding ring!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
King Richard: [taking Prince John's crown] You are no longer worthy to wear this sacred symbol of authority.
Prince John: Oh please have mercy on me, brother. It wasn't my fault. I got some really bad advice from Rottingham.
Crowd: [coughs] Bullshit! Bullshit!
King Richard: Brother, you have surrounded your given name with a foul stench!
[to the crowd]
King Richard: From this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as... johns!
Crowd: [cheers]
Prince John: NOOOOOOOOOOO!
King Richard: Take him away! Put him in the Tower of London! Make him part of the tour.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheriff of Rottingham: I was angry at you before Locksley, but now I'm really pissed off!
Ahchoo: Pissed off? If I was that close to a horse's wiener I'd be worrying about being pissed on!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: Ah! Right rope!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: You are entering the territory of Robin Hood and his Merry Men.
Rabbi Tuckman: Faygeles?
[clears their throats, trying to act macho]
Robin Hood: No, no. We're straight. Just... merry.
Rabbi Tuckman: As I. And who are you, with the exceptionally long feather in your hat?
Robin Hood: I am Robin of Locksley.
Rabbi Tuckman: Robin of Locksley? I've just come from Maid Marian, the woman whose heart you've stolen, you prince of thieves, you! I knew her parents before they were taken in the plague, Lord and Lady Bahgel. You know, you two were made for each other. I mean, what a combination. Locksley and Bahgel! It can't miss!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abbot: We are here to witness the marriage, of Mervin, the Sheriff of...
[crowd snickers]
Abbot: Mervin? Your name is Mervin?
Sheriff of Rottingham: [over crowd laughing] Shut up! Shut up!
Abbot: OK... Mervin.
[crowd starts laughing again]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheriff of Rottingham: [taking off his leather glove and slapping Robin with it] I challenge you to a duel.
Robin Hood: [picking an iron gauntlet up from the dinner table and smacking Rottingham across the face with it, knocking him down] I accept!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheriff of Rottingham: This was to be a "private" meeting... I mean, who are these men?
Don Giovanni: These? These are my most trusted associates. On my right, Dirty Ezio. On my left, Filthy Luca.
Filthy Luca: [Stands Up] We thank you, for inviting us on the day of your daughter's wedding.
Don Giovanni: No, no, no.
Filthy Luca: I hope that her first child, is a masculine child.
Don Giovanni: Shut up! We haven't even had our meeting yet!
Filthy Luca: ...Oh yeah.
[sits down]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rabbi Tuckman: [referring to a circumcision] The ladies love it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rabbi Tuckman: I am Rabbi Tuckman, purveyor of sacramental wine and moyel extraordinaire.
Merry Men: 'ello Rabbi!
Rabbi Tuckman: Hello boys!
Robin Hood: A moyel... I don't believe I've ever heard of that profession.
Rabbi Tuckman: A moyel is a very important guy. He makes circumcisions.
Scarlet: What, pray tell, sir, is a circumcision?
Rabbi Tuckman: It's the latest craze. The ladies love it!
Little John: I'll take one!
Ahchoo: Hey, put me down for two!
Robin Hood: I'm game. How's it done?
Rabbi Tuckman: It's a snap.
[demonstrates with a carrot and a miniature guillotine]
Rabbi Tuckman: I take my machine here, I take your little thing, I put it through this hole, and then...
[releases the blade, cutting the end off the carrot]
Rabbi Tuckman: I nip the tip! Whose first?
Merry Men: [groan]
Little John: I changed me mind!
Ahchoo: I forgot, I already got one.
Blinkin: [puts his hand in the air] Question...
[Ahchoo pulls his arm down silencing him]
Rabbi Tuckman: I gotta start working with a younger crowd.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Rottingham slices off Robin's necklace, sending his key flying. The key falls into the lock of Marian's chastity belt]
Robin Hood: It is the key to the greatest treasure in all the land!
Maid Marian: This means you've always been my one true love because it's just the right size!
Sheriff of Rottingham: It's not the size that counts... It's how you use it!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Sheriff of Rottingham carries a screaming Maid Marian to a tower of his castle]
Ahchoo: [to Robin] The Sheriff! He's got your woman, man! He's gonna deflower her in the tower! Ugh!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: [first meeting Blinkin the blind servant] BLINKIN!
Blinkin: Master Robin, Is that you?
Robin Hood: Yes.
Blinkin: What back from the Crusades?
Robin Hood: Yes.
Blinkin: And alive?
Robin Hood: [pause] yes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheriff of Rottingham: The old man is Locksley.
Prince John: Are you sure? He looks like Mark Twain.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheriff of Rottingham: Sire, I have news!
Prince John: And what sort of news do you have? It's not bad news, is it? You know I can't take bad news. The day started out so good. I had a good night's sleep, I had a good B.M. I don't want to hear any bad news. So, what kind of news is it?
Sheriff of Rottingham: Well, to be perfectly frank, it's bad.
Prince John: [shouts] I knew it! I knew it would be bad news. Wait, I have an idea. Maybe if you tell me the *bad* news in a *good* way, it wouldn't sound so bad.
Sheriff of Rottingham: [thinking] The bad news in a good way. Yes, I can do that. The bad news in a good way. Well, here it goes.
[hysterically]
Sheriff of Rottingham: W-wait till you hear this! I just saw Robin of Locksley, he's back from the crusades.
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: You know, he just beat the *crap* out of me and my men.
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: He hates you and he loves your brother, Richard!
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: And...
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: ... he wants to see you hanged!
[laughs]
Sheriff of Rottingham: We, we're in a lot of trouble!
[laughs and snorts loudly]
Prince John: [furious] What, are you crazy? Why are you laughing? This is terrible news!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahchoo: [after Blinkin catches an arrow] Blinkin! How did you do that?
Blinkin: I heard that coming a mile away.
Robin Hood: Right-o, Blinkin, very good.
Blinkin: Pardon? Who's talking?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Angry Villager: There must be another way of doing the credits.
Fire Marshal: That's right. Every time they make a Robin Hood movie, they burn our village down!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maid Marian: Oh Broomhilde, look! A happy little bluebird! Hello!
[the bird lands on her finger]
Maid Marian: This means I must make a wish. I wish against wish, I hope against hope, that the heavens bring me a kind and wonderful gentleman who possesses the key to my...
[looks at her chastity belt, then looks at Broomhilde]
Maid Marian: heart.
[bird flies away]
Maid Marian: Goodbye, my little friend.
Broomhilde: Ooh, that happy little bluebird has left a happy little do-do on your hand!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: Rabbi!
Rabbi Tuckman: [sticks his head out of his tent] Who calls?
Robin Hood: It is I, Robin of Locksley! We wish to get married in a hurry!
Rabbi Tuckman: Married in a hurry? That's great! Hold on, I'm on my last customer. I'll be right out.
[goes back inside his tent, then something being chopped off is heard, followed by a man screaming. The rabbi comes back out]
Rabbi Tuckman: Put a little ice on it. You'll be fine.
[to Robin]
Rabbi Tuckman: Married in a hurry, married in a hurry! Please invite me to the briss.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maid Marian: Broomhilde, there's a foul plot afoot.
Broomhilde: It's not my feet, I just washed them.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prince John: What can you tell me about Robin of Locksley?
Latrine: Robin of Locksley? Robin of Locksley? Hmm, let me see.
[starts cooking up a potion in her cauldron]
Latrine: Raven's egg! Blood of a hen! A little more blood, yes! Eyeballs of a crocodile! Testicles of a newt! I bet he's a transsexual now! Robin of Locksley is handsome and brave. He seeks to regain his family's honor. Little sod could be trouble.
Prince John: Are you certain?
Latrine: Certain? You want certain, hire yourself a witch! Me, I'm just your cook.
[serves contents of the cauldron]
Latrine: Here, eat that.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheriff of Rottingham: So it's come to this, has it? A fight to the death, mano a mano, man to man, just you and me and my *guards*!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Robin Hood: [Robin and Ahchoo are fight the sherif of Rottinghams men] Watch my back!
Ahchoo: [Ahchoo litarlly leans over and looks at his back as a guard punches him twice in the back] Your back just got punched twice.
Robin Hood: Thank You!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheriff of Rottingham: Wasn't your... didn't your mole used to be on the other side?
Prince John: I have a MOLE?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prince John: I hope's it worth the NOISE!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahchoo: [standing by a creek] Look, Robin, you don't have to do this. I mean, this ain't exactly the Mississipi. I'm on one side, I'm on the other side. I'm on the east bank, I'm on the west bank. It's not that critical.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Robin Hood searches for Ahchoo as Ahchoo can be seen getting beaten up by a group of soldiers]
Robin Hood: Ahchoo?
[the soldiers briefly stop beating Ahchoo and face Robin Hood]
Soldiers: Bless you!
[the soldiers continues to beat up Ahchoo]
Ahchoo: Man, I hope someone is getting a video of this!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheriff of Rottingham: [after Robin has fired his shot, hitting the bullseye dead center] Don't worry, Dirty Ezio still has another shot.
Prince John: But he hit the very center of the bullseye... schmuck!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rabbi Tuckman: [performing the marriage] Robin, do you?
Robin Hood: I do.
Rabbi Tuckman: Marian, do you?
Maid Marian: I do.
Rabbi Tuckman: I now pronounce you man and...
King Richard: I object!
Rabbi Tuckman: Who asked?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rabbi Tuckman: Excuse me, King. Why, if you like this guy so much, do you object to his marrying Maid Marian?
King Richard: I have no objection, but I have not yet kissed the bride. It is a custom, and my royal right.
[hands the rabbi his sword]
King Richard: Hold this, Father.
Rabbi Tuckman: Rabbi.
King Richard: Whatever.
[grabs Maid Marian and gives her a LOOOONNGGG kiss]
Rabbi Tuckman: [impressed] It's good to be the king.
King Richard: Now you may marry them
Rabbi Tuckman: Thank you. Here's your knife.
King Richard: Sword.
Rabbi Tuckman: Whatever.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don Giovanni: Ok, you want plain English: Robin is gonna be dead. D-E-D. Dead.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Filthy Luca: I will take these cotton balls from you with my hand and put them in my pocket.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheriff of Rottingham: Struckey has loxed again.
Prince John: What?
Sheriff of Rottingham: Loxley has struck again.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahchoo: I should have never worn these shoes. They just don't match my purse.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ahchoo: Blinkin - what's the fastest way to reach the villagers?
Blinkin: Why don't we fox them?
Ahchoo: Fox them!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Robin has just been chained in Le Dungeon]
Asneeze: You are very brave for not a homeboy.
Robin Hood: Oh, thank you.
Asneeze: I've been in here for a while. Perhaps I could be of service. Do you have any questions?
Robin Hood: What are you in for?
Asneeze: Jaywalking.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Robin is being made to watch Marian's wedding from the gallows]
Abbot: Do you, Sheriff of Rottingham, take Marian of Bahgel to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?
Sheriff of Rottingham: YES I DO! Get on with it!
Abbot: And do you, Marian, vow to do all the stuff I just said?
Sheriff of Rottingham: [to Marian] Say I do, or Robin dies!
Maid Marian: I... I do...
[Ahchoo shoots through Robin's noose]
Maid Marian: NOT!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Abbot: I will perform the opening prayer in the New Latin. Oh ordlay, ivethgay usway ouryay essingsblay. Amen-ay!
Crowd: AMEN-AY!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Asneeze: I am Asneeze, father of Ahchoo.
Robin Hood: Bless you.
Asneeze: No no no, Ahchoo is my son.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Head Saracen Guard: [rushes into Le Dungeon] I just told my boss the good news and...
[sees that all the prisoners has escaped]
Head Saracen Guard: and... and I'm in deep shit!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sheriff of Rottingham: He "deered" to kill a King's dare.
Sheriff of Rottingham: [realizing he said it wrong] He dared to kill a King's deer.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scarlet: I hope she's still wearing her iron underwear.

[Nurochka]

Balik, thanks :-)

[balik]

Balik, thanks :-)
Not at all!!

By the way long time ago I was using this movie to learn English :) I knew all dialogs in Russian, 'coz I watched "Man in Tights" so many times at home and then I was watching it in English. Too bad in TV version over here they really cut the funniest parts :(

[Glebasyan]

I do not advise anybody to learn the english language by headway, hotline and all these shitty magazines,of course if you are not among them, who are trapped by ads which promise that you'll be able to speak fluently in a month if you start to learn English with them....., it's like, if you want you may pray God if you don't want, you may not pray God, joust give money....., you will not get any use of it..., if you really want to obtain the qualitable knowledge you have to work with the language and more than this, you have to like working with the foreign language....

[Nurochka]

The first movie i was trying to use to check my english was "Pulp Fiction" :-) And I used to know 'Ezekiel 25:17' by heart :охренеть:

[Цыпленок Цыпа]

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.

The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Your husband said so."

Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Your husband did."
Wife: "Oh."

Maria: "My third reason is that I am a better lover than you."

Wife (really furious now): "Did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Senora, the gardener did."

SHE GOT THE RAISE!

h;eybvfue!!!!!!!I can't writh russian here so rzunimagu!!!!

[Giacomo]

The first movie i was trying to use to check my english was "Pulp Fiction" :-) And I used to know 'Ezekiel 25:17' by heart :охренеть:

Jules: What does Marcellus Wallace look like?

Brett: What?

Jules: What country you from?

Brett: What?

Jules: What ain't no country I ever heard of! They speak
English in What?

Brett: What?

Jules: ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER! DO-YOU-SPEAK-IT?

Brett: Yes!

Jules: Then you know what I'm saying!

Brett: Yes!

Jules: Describe what Marcellus Wallace looks like!

Brett: What, I-?

Jules: [pointing his gun] Say what again. SAY WHAT AGAIN. I
dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker. Say what one more goddamn time.

Brett: He's b-b-black...

Jules: Go on.

Brett: He's bald...

Jules: Does he look like a bitch?

Brett: What?

[Jules shoots Brett in shoulder]

Jules: DOES HE LOOK LIKE A BITCH?

Brett: No!

Jules: Then why you try to fuck him like a bitch, Brett?

Brett: I didn't.

Jules: Yes you did. Yes you did, Brett. You tried to fuck him. And Marcellus Wallace don't like to be fucked by anybody, except Mrs. Wallace.

:D

[Цыпленок Цыпа]

:) Nice sample!!!I remember it too!!

[Nurochka]

Jules: Wanna know what I'm buyin' Ringo?
Pumpkin: What?
Jules: Your life. I'm givin' you that money so I don't hafta kill your ass. You read the Bible?
Pumpkin: Not regularly.
Jules: There's a passage I got memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you. I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. Now I'm thinkin': it could mean you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. 9mm here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. Or it could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.

This one ;)

[Glebasyan]

in the morning he was evening the ground for his father which was to come in the evening didn't like disorder. I confused to translate on the spur of the moment. You try.

[Glebasyan]

pulp fiction is a move worth to be learnt by heart from "Action!!!"

[Kpoxa]

A Texas senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the Interstate Highway, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him no problem!" thought the elderly gentleman as he floored i t to 1 00 mph, then 110, then 120 mph .

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
He pulled over to the side of the road and wa ited for the Trooper to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 20 minutes. And, today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were driving 120 miles per hour that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Texas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day Sir", said the Trooper.

[Dear God]

A Texas senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the Interstate Highway, pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. "I can get away from him no problem!" thought the elderly gentleman as he floored i t to 1 00 mph, then 110, then 120 mph .

Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!"
He pulled over to the side of the road and wa ited for the Trooper to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 20 minutes. And, today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were driving 120 miles per hour that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a Texas State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day Sir", said the Trooper.

:D Amazing story!))

[Kpoxa]

A Japanese doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'

A German doctor said, 'That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.'

A British doctor said, 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take
half of a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'

A Texas doctor, not to be outdone said, 'You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work.'

[Nurochka]

Kroha, I want more :-)

[Kpoxa]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

[Yerkwantai]

:)

[Lyoha]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.
I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

:D Respect for little Johny!

[Giacomo]

During one of her daily classes, a teacher...

Michael said...


Sherman said...


Johnny said...



This is a wrong joke. Where is Vovochka? :незнаю:

[Lyoha]

Vovochka's parents emigrated to the US and he became a Little Johny ;)

[Parovozov]

I’m sorry, I can’t help myself. That picture has warped my fragile little mind.

http://www.kharkovforum.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=103143&d=1209646126

[mr.jay]

круть,особенно про кладбище...надо бы попробовать

[Kpoxa]

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home
he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.

He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person,
'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display
window?'

The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir?

We have:

Work Out Barbie for $19.95,
Shopping Barbie for $19.95,
Beach Barbie for $19.95,
Disco Barbie for $19.95,
Ballerina Barbie for $19.95,
Astronaut Barbie for $19.95,
Skater Barbie for $19.95, and
Divorced Barbie for $265.95.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?!
Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer,
One of Ken's Friends, and
A key chain made with Ken's balls!!!

[freeboard.com.ua]

It's real funny )))

[Kpoxa]

Two Mexicans are on a bike about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , Louisiana .

One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town.

A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them he has no room in the Trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The Mexicans put it to the driver that if they can manage to fit into the back with their bike, will he take them back into town and he agrees.

They manage to squeeze themselves and their bike into the back and the driver shuts the doors and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts the hammer down and sure enough, a blond cop pulls him over for speeding. The lady officer asks the driver what he is carrying, to which the driver jokingly replies 'Mexican eggs.' The Blond Lady Cop obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on her radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The dispatcher asks what emergency she has that requires so many officers.

'I've got a Tractor-Trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a bicycle.

[mr.jay]

:LOL:

[Kpoxa]

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide replied, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

[Lok!i!]

Why Sex is better than Chess
--------------------------------
Not so fast......

1. You can't play chess in the dark.

2. Chess requires a board and proper pieces.

3. Chess requires an alignment into two opposing sides; not so the
alternative which allows any number of participants in various combinations.

4. To play chess well, hours of study are required; not so the
alternative where enthusiasm can make up for playing deficiencies.

5. Instructing a novice in the play of chess can be quite tedious and
not very rewarding until the passage of some time. This is not true of the
alternative.

6. A chess game cannot awaken you in the morning with a carnal act.
Beats the alarm clock routine.

7. A chess set can not, of itself, introduce previously unknown
variations into the play.

8. Following a fierce game of chess, one does not feel the compulsion
to sleep; a vital body function aided by the alternative.

9. Played properly, the alternative will send both participants away
with the satisfaction of having *won* the encounter. Not so with chess.

10. The anticipation of playing a game of chess, even at the grand
master level, has never rivaled the exciting prospects of the alternative,
even--or especially--with a rank amateur.

11. With chess you lack certainty of what you might be playing against;
pawns becoming queens and such. The alternative offers greater certainty
for determining this important aspect prior to initiation of play.

12. The prospects of engaging in the alternative are greater than
finding a game of chess, in that more people know how to play.

13. The alternative, while equally addictive, does not lead to the
acquisition of books, boards, computers, chess programs and other costly
items suited to just one purpose and adding to the general clutter about
your place.

14. Chess requires that you always assume an active role; not so the
alternative.

15. The alternative provides a physical boost to the cardio vascular
system on a level far above the most strenuous game of chess.

16. The alternative provides needed relief for the rational mind, the
inspiration of imagination keyed to visual input; you never look at someone
and wonder what it would be like to play a game of chess with them. If you
ever have, seek treatment immediately.

17. With the alternative, either player can make the opening move,
leading to a legal and rewarding experience. Not so with chess.

18. The alternative offers a wide variety of privileged moves; chess
only two.

19. With chess, you rarely know what your opponent has in mind.

20. Chess is fraught with *nasty surprises* that will ruin your day and
adversely effect your outlook; while the same, occurring in the alternative,
will have quite the opposite effect.

21. The average chess player has virtually no hope with a master, grand
master, or other such practitioner; decidedly not true with the alternative.

22. Following a strenuous game of chess, you don't usually find
yourself wanting to repeat the performance immediately.

23. The alternative affords even persons of average ability to do
remarkably well.

24. Time pressure rarely affects quality of play in the alternative.

25. Chess lacks the joy of spontaneity, requiring the participants to
carry the proper equipment, or set about locating such when the decision to
play is reached. Not so the alternative.

[Victoria77]

А, моя дытына (4 года) заходит сегодня домой после прогулки с папой и говорит мне: МАМА, ЧТО-ТО НЕ НРАВИТСЯ МНЕ ЭТОТ ХУИЗИТ? Оказывается, что перед домофоном папаша рассказыл ребенку, что по-английски кто там? будет who is it? Ребенок дойдя до третьего этажа переварил инфу и выдал маме такой компот.:-)

[Kpoxa]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,'
she retorted indignantly. In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.'

Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '.'

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again! :D

[Kpoxa]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!!"

[Lok!i!]

Why Chess better than Sex
----------------------------------------------------
You can play chess with your clothes on.
You can play chess in public.
No-one objects if you want to play chess with people of the same gender.
A good game of chess can last five hours or more; correspondence games can
last for years.
You can't catch a serious disease playing chess (though some might say chess
is a disease).
You generally don't have to chat up your opponent, buy them roses and
chocolates before they'll agree to play you.
You can play chess on the internet.
Chessplayers usually don't object if you want to play someone else.
Children as young as five can play chess well.
You can play chess in your seventies, eighties, nineties ...
With chess, as soon as you finish a game, you're ready for another.
You know what your next move should be in chess.
Very good players can play chess with hundreds of opponents at once.
It's possible to drink beer, smoke cigarettes and play chess simultaneously.
In chess the kings and queens can directly mix.
Ugly players still get to mate.
Ugly opponents don't put you off your game.
In chess - but not in sex - miniatures are highly valued.
No-one ever complains that you're moving too quickly.
In chess your opponent has to make a move after your move :)
With chess, a straight guy can cavort with queens and bad bishops and no-one
raises an eyebrow.
Misplacing your pieces on a chessboard is inconvenient; in the bedroom, it
may be illegal.
In chess you don't have to kiss your opponent.

[Jackal]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

The lineage is finally revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't
know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They
had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious
couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull
Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living
with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of
nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla
Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently
married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in
the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,and Hoarse. Bull Schitt,
the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from
Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can
correct them.

[Jackal]

When growing up, the little boy could never get the best of the little girl next door.

His parents gave him a brand new 10-speed, miniature mountain bike. He immediately pranced out to show it off to the little girl next door. She said, “that’s nothing. Look at what I’ve got!”

Sure enough, her bike was a full size, 16-speed mountain bike, had better tires, was painted with metallic paint, thus was even shinier, and the horn on the fancier looking handlebars was twice as large!

The little boy shuffled home whispering to himself.

A few weeks later, the little boy’s parents gave him a brand new, bright red fire engine. He shot out the door to show it off to the little girl next door. She said, “that’s nothing. Look at what I’ve got!”

Yet again, her fire engine was twice as big, had an extendable ladder, sprayed water through its hoses, was even shinier and redder than his and could be operated by remote control!

Beside himself, the little boy ran home cursing under his breath.

Week after week, month after month, no matter what the little boy received as a gift from his relatives, the little girl next door ALWAYS could top it.

At wit’s end and in total frustration, the little boy went next door to see the little girl. Proudly he pulled down his underwear and said, “I bet you haven’t got one of these!”

Without hesitation, the little girl smiled and pulled down her panties and said, “No. But with one of these, I can get all of those that I want!”

[Jackal]

A young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS (Inland Revenue, for you English blokes), excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders-just as the Enron or WorldCom guys.

Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi.

Looking over the books and taxes were pretty straight forward, and the rabbi clearly was very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles."

"Yes," answered the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

“Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way...

"Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?” What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the I.R.S."

"The I.R.S.?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, "the I.R.S. And about once a year, they send us a little prick like you."

[Jackal]

Here is the LOST CHAPTER IN GENESIS....
So God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
The rest is history.

[Jackal]

The government announced today that it is changing its emblem to a "condom", because it more clearly reflects the government's political stance.
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while it's actually screwing you.

[Jackal]

DEMOCRAT
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbra Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM - AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY - AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have down sized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which is two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. At night when no one is looking, you have sex with both of them. Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one.

NEW YORK CORPORATION
You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

[Jackal]

When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for cooking just smile and think of this:

A little old lady from North Carolina had worked in and around family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk...with hours of hard work and little compensation.

When canned Carnation milk became available in grocery stores, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan/rhyme beginning with "Carnation milk is best of all.." and she thought to herself, "I know all about milk and dairy farms...I can do this!"

She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo drove up in front of her house and said, "Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award you $1,000.00, even though we will not be able to use it. "

Here is the entry:

Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul,
No buckets to wash, no hay to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!

[Kpoxa]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther,I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

[KRAK]

....
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Newlywed's humor :гы:

[Kpoxa]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow, I always had
something else to take care of first, the race track, the car, biking -
always something more important to me.

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I
arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute and, when I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well
sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral of the story:

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

Newlywed's humor :гы:

:язык:

[KRAK]

...

Moral of the story:

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

:язык:

Poore gays.:rolleyes: They have no idea what they are fighting for. :D

[M*RD*]

Poore gays.:rolleyes: They have no idea what they are fighting for. :D

It's even worse for them - there are either two wives or two husbands.... Pick which combination is "better"...:ржачь:

[Kpoxa]

Poore gays.:rolleyes: They have no idea what they are fighting for. :D

Ok...tell us the story! :D

[Victoria77]

ПЕРЕВОДЫ:
I'm not a woman you can trust - Я не женщина, поверь мне.

I've seen your balance sheet- Видел я ваш баланс...
так себе баланс

museum of fine arts - музей хороших искусств

С праздником! - With a holiday!
(надпись на коробке конфет)

Silver is the best conductor of electricity - Сильвер -
лучший проводник электрички

Phil Collins "One more night" - Одна большая ночь
(Диктор 1-ой из Харьковских радиостанций)

spirit is strong, but the flesh is weak - Водка ничего,
а мясо протухло

-That's my greenhouse. - Это мой зеленый домик.
(Из фильма "Адаптация")

I am not like you - Вы мне не нравитесь

Он перевел дух и сделал ей предложение - he translated
the spirit and made her a sentence

He was fired from the company - Его фирма сгорела

- I'm retired - - Я устал
(из фильма Repalcements)

I wish you came yesterday ? Я надеюсь ты зайдешь вчера

I can't stand the rain - Не могу стоять под дождем.

окружающая среда - surrounding Wednesday, surrounding medium

software - мягкие места компьютера

I miss my town badly - Я девушка и живу в плохом городе

из сериала FX
- Thank you!
- You're welcome!
- спасибо!
- Добро пожаловать!

Stop the violence! - Остановите скрипки, пусть скрипки
помолчат!

Oven - Овен

летучие мыши - flying mouses

ежемесячно - everymonthly

The farmer's wife milked the cow - Фермер подоил свою жену

And what is your name, please?
- Hercule Poirot.
- Come again?
- HERCULE POIROT!
- Как вас представить?
- Эркюль Пуаро.
- Пришли опять?
- Эркюль Пуаро!

You're welcome back - Вы долгожданная задняя часть

alarm watch - часы с элементом тревоги

And the skies that once were blue are falling - Лыжи,
бывшие когда-то синими, упали
(строка из песни "Calling" Jeri Hollywell)

заводской брак - factory marriage

Watch Your back! - Посмотри на свою спину.

Ароматные блинчики - stinky pankaces
(из меню ресторана в Новгороде Великом)

No smoking! - Пиджаки не вешать!
No smoking! - Смокингов нет!

as well - как хорошо!

- Thank you for sending me a copy of your thesis. I've
already got a review from M.C. I think you'll receive it too.
- Спасибо, что прислали мне копию диссертации. Я уже
получил отзыв от Эм Си. Думаю, что он Вам влепит два балла.

Flying saucer - летающая сосиска

Говяжий язык - beef language

Уха - ear soup
(меню в одном из центральных киевских ресторанов)

I'm just kidding. - Я всего лишь рожу ребёнка

Он стоял, стоял, потом взял да и вышел - he stood stood
then took yes and went out

if you miss the train - если вы мисс...

Girl from the magazine cover - Девушка с магазинной обертки
(Что-то из Стивена Кинга - 1992)

- Это трудные упражнения? - Are these exercises difficult?
- Нет, легкие. - No, lungs.

high school - высокие скулы

-Still friends? -Всё ещё друзья?
-Only if you give me what I want. - Когда я хочу, тогда и
будем друзьями.
(Из фильма Sweet November)

Truly yours - Ваш Трули
Home sweet home - Дом, сладкий дом...

I miss my town badly - Я девушка и живу в плохом городе
- I'm retired - - Я устал

[Victoria77]

ЕЩЕ ПЕРЕВОДЫ:
1) Can You hear me?.. -- Ты можешь меня здесь?...
2) Undressed custom model -- Голая таможенная модель
3) Manicure -- Деньги лечат
4) I’m just asking -- Я всего лишь король жоп
5) I have been there -- У меня там фасоль
6) God only knows -- Единственный нос бога
7) We are the champions -- Мы шампиньоны
8) You feel alright -- Ты справа всех чувствуешь
9) Bye bye baby, baby good bye -- Купи купи ребенка, ребенок хорошая покупка
10) To be or not to be -- Две пчелы или не две пчелы
11) I fell in love -- Я свалился в любовь
12) Just in case -- Только в портфеле
13) I will never give up -- Меня никогда не тошнит
14) Oh, dear -- Ах, олень.
15) I saw my honey today -- Я пилил мой мед сегодня
16) I’m going to make you mine -- Я иду копать тебе шахту
17) May God be with you -- Майская хорошая пчелка с тобой
18) Finnish people -- Конченые люди
19) Bad influence -- Плохая простуда
20) Phone seller -- Позвони продавцу
21) Good products -- Бог на стороне уток
22) Let’s have a party -- Давайте организуем партию
23) Watch out! -- Посмотри снаружи!
24) I know his story well -- Я знаю его исторический колодец
25) Press space bar to continue -- Космический бар прессы продолжает
26) I’ve just saw your balance sheet -- Видел я ваш баланс... так себе баланс
27) Let it be! -- Давайте есть пчел!
28) I love you baby - Я люблю вас, бабы

[Victoria77]

ИСЧО ПЕРЕВОДЫ:
1) After a tour in Austrian Alps… - После путешествия в австралийские Альпы…
2) He became prouder and prouder… - Он становился все горже и горже…
3) He felt the horse’s pound between his legs as his hoofs met the ground. - Он почувствовал, как сердце его лошади ушло в пятки, когда его копыта коснулись земли.
4) During the twenty minutes he took to read the poem, there wasn’t a sound, except from the sheets being turned. - В течение тех двадцати минут, что он читал поэму, не раздавалось ни звука, кроме шороха переворачиваемых простыней.
5) She was the wife of a professional man. - Она была женой профессионального мужчины.
6) Девушка стоит у доски. - The girl costs at the blackboard.
7) Я работаю по понедельникам, вторникам, средам, четвергам и пятницам. - I work on Monday, Tuesday, environment, Thursday, Friday.
8) He sat on the steps of his house. - Он сидел на шагах своего дома.
9) Am I dealing, young people, with a case of love at first sight? - Имею ли я дело, молодые люди, с чемоданом любви с первого взгляда?
10) She was sitting in her private drawing room. - Она сидела в своей приватной чертежной.
11) This Pat wasn’t at all like the Pat of his memories. - Это домашнее животное было не похоже на то домашнее животное, которое он помнил.
12) John the Baptist - Джон Баптист (вместо Иоанн Креститель)
13) His eyes were fixed - Его глаза были закреплены.
14) «Пиковая Дама» была написана Чайковским во Флоренции… - “The Queen of Spades” was painted by Chaikovskiy in Florence…
15) Bart made his way up the red concrete path from the hospital. - Барт шел по красной конкретной дорожке от больницы.